Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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