First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
