Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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