I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
