Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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