if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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