finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
