I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
How external is "for external use only"?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
