I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Someone came in the potted fern
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize