If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
