i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize