There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I am available for nakedness
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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