I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
What a dumb baby whore.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
