He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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