Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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