Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
