my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
