Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
