I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
