i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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