someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
