im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
