How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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