i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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