I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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