alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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