You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
