ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
