I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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