So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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