either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
