my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
