I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
