dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
