I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
