8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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