yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize