I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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