He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
