At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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