I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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