Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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