There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
