Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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