tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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