Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
