U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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