Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
