Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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