Umm I'm too high to move.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize