the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
