I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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