i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Don't tell me you're on acid again
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
