I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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