Say something about gay babies.
please come you make the beer taste better
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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