the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
