my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
