I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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